The Stranger

In those few moments the faceless reality of death quietly stared at me. Till then it was always remote, distant, something one would encounter in the dusk of life. But in those few moments I acknowledged its silent overpowering presence. Sudden, Unexpected, Certain. In those few minutes I acknowledged life, I hung on to it with all the strength that I could manage. It was hard to let go everything I loved and despised, everything I owned and dreamt of, everything that I lived for. But the helplessness mocked at my desire to live, to see. The incompleteness, the frivolity of it all made me desperate. A thousand thoughts went to & fro, a million images came back but nothing registered. I craved for life like never before.
Then something happened and the blurred images started coming to life again. I was breathing again. Death was an acquaintance now and when we meet again we won’t be strangers.

Evolution

At 23 the blue sky above was a slate on which I would scribble my dreams and post my endless desires. Ambition was only a milestone beyond the infinite when passion provided the fuel. Caution simply didn’t exist.

At 33 it is time to take a stock and start yet again. Life may have changed, dreams haven’t. Energy may have dwindled passion hasn’t. Desires have reshaped themselves. Caution is now an acquaintance. I may no longer be young but I have redefined youth. I am raring to go, to master and to live a life the way I want it to be.

Happiness

After reading the few posts on my blog many of my friends expectedly asked me if there was anything troubling me and why I sounded so gloomy and morose. I wasn’t sad but was still searching for happiness, I answered trying to sound clever. But inevitably it set me thinking and question this persistent quest for happiness. Two bundles of joy, a caring wife, a loving family and many supportive friends should have ended or at least suspended it for some time. Yet my search went on.

When I rummaged the closet of my memories I found many a faded moments neatly tucked into a corner. Happiness isn’t eternal is what I always believed and yet the smallest of these moments were forever, everlasting. The first bite of the frozen ice cream which my grandfather bought for me many years ago, the camaraderie I shared with friends after sharing the stolen apples, the smell of the new clothes that I wore on the day of eid, the first day of the summer holidays, the irrepressible energy when I cheered for my favourite team, the innumerable cups of tea with the first taste of freedom in college, hiding my excitement in the semi dark theatre while holding her hand, the first glimpse of the boundless ocean and looking at the miniscule world below from the mountain peak, opening the envelope with my name that would open the doors to the real world, the pat on the back after that tiring night at work, the unbridled joy when she said yes, waking up to a listless sunday morning, and weaving those few dreams together, weighing a few pounds lesser, touching the tiny fingers and becoming a kid again, buying her an ice cream to see the glint in her eyes.

And yet my search continues….

Distance

It was her bright sparkling eyes that caught my attention first, followed by the luminous smile. Her chirpiness was enough to create a commotion in my heart. And her presence was an endearing reminder to the beautiful side of life. She was a poem, soulful and lyrical. She was the mist that surrounded me and seeped into my soul. Utopia wasn’t just a word then. Everything was so real. Except her.

I stood there watching her from a distance, a distance of a lifetime

Patience

The commotion in my mind threatened insanity; it was the noise of naivete against gloss, of artificial versus truth, of emotion fighting reality, of emotion battling emotion, of meaninglessness opposing achievement, of hope relentlessly pushing fate. The disquiet in his heart, the notion of being in love made it no better. I dug into the paltry reserves of strength to sustain, to live and carry on. Hope pushing against fate like the winter sun
pierces through clouds, dark and heavy. Stubborn, persistent, infinite hope pushed against destiny. Slowly I was coming to terms with Life.

Unborn

MY limbs went numb but I kept pushing hard, keeping my eyes on the burning red circle which was pacing its way down and behind the silhouettes of the two dwarfed mountain peaks. I wanted to reach as far as I could see before the sun drowned completely. My pulse raced to catch it before losing sight of it. I wanted to reach out to it holding out my hands, imploring it to wait, a bit longer. But the distance kept growing and I could no longer pull my dissipated spirit.

And then suddenly I stopped.

I could hear nothing, say nothing. But I could feel the stillness around me. I turned around to see how far I had come. But I could see nothing. Everything seemed lost and yet there was something around me that was coming to life, slowly. I could feel the grass beneath my soiled feet caressing them to life as the fragrance of the blossoming flowers cajoled my senses to wake up. The murmuring river flowing by soaked my conscious. And I spread my arms to catch the wind gushing through me. The twilight colours spread out a canvas that was familiar but I had never seen before. I was awake now. I wanted to walk back and discover what I had left behind and trace the journey on which I had touched everything but had felt nothing. But I could only fathom the growing darkness. I had walked through life without living it. I was still unborn.